Suicide Prevention Month: The Psychology of Hopelessness

For Suicide Prevention Month, exploring what happens when someone stops believing things

will get better, and what it means to find hope.

A Note Before We Begin:

This piece is written in honor of those who have lost their lives to suicide, those who have

survived attempts, those who continue living with suicidal thoughts, and those who carry the

grief of losing someone to suicide.

To those who have lost someone: grief can leave us thinking about the past and if we could have said or done something differently to somehow change the outcome. However, the truth is that you loved them with the information, circumstances, and capacity that you had at the time. I hope that even through your grief, you can also have compassion for yourself. 

To those who are still here, but struggling: please know that the way things are right now are not the proof of the way they will always be.

To those we have lost to suicide: you will always be more than the way your life ended. You were loved, and you mattered. You still are, and you still do. 

What is hopelessness?

Hopelessness, the absence of hope, is simply the idea that things will never be better than they are at any given moment. Feeling hopeless can leave people feeling stuck, trapped, and suffocated. Arguably the worst part about hopelessness is that it takes away people’s ability to look forward to the future. 

Hopelessness is different from sadness. Sadness says that something hurts, but hopelessness says that it will always hurt.. A person can be unhappy with their circumstances while still believing something better is ahead. Hopelessness makes that possibility harder to see.

Living a life where you feel miserable but also feel like it can never change is almost like living in purgatory. You aren't just experiencing the pain of what is happening now; you're imagining that same pain stretching indefinitely into the future.

Sometimes things just feel impossible. If I'm trying my best now and nothing is changing, why would it ever?

That question matters more than ever when we're talking about suicide.

When There Doesn't Seem to Be Another Option

There are many reasons someone may experience suicidal thoughts, and no single explanation can account for every person's experience. But suicidal thoughts aren't always as simple as wanting to die. For some people, what they desperately want is for their pain, circumstances, or suffering to end.

Imagine trying to reconcile these two thoughts: 

1. I can't keep living like this. 

2. I don't see another way for my life to be.

When those are the only possibilities someone can see, what feels like an option to everyone else may not feel like an option to them.

This is part of why hopelessness is so important to understand in suicide prevention. Severe distress can affect the way someone sees their circumstances and the possibilities available for them. The future can begin to look less like a collection of unknown possibilities and more like an extension of the pain they're already experiencing. In other words, it can stop looking like something to look forward to and start looking more like something to dread. 

Struggling Behind Closed Doors

One of the most difficult parts of suicide prevention is that someone can be struggling severely with suicidal thoughts behind closed doors while continuing to function, in what appears to be a normal way, in other areas of their life. People who struggle with suicidal thoughts can still laugh, go to work or school, spend time with friends, take care of other people, and have plans on the calendar. Some people learn the art of “keeping it together” while they're in public or around others. The moment they get alone, though, the shell can begin to crack. Someone can hold in their feelings all day and spend the night crying, worrying, or experiencing intense emotional pain.

Many of us have heard to look for certain warning signs like giving away belongings, or even straight up mentioning that it’s something they are thinking about. These are, of course, things to look out for. However, it is important to note there is no single way that a suicidal person looks. You really never know what someone is going through. 

This is also why the aftermath of suicide can be so confusing for the people left behind. Loved ones may search backward for the sign they believe they should have caught. Sometimes there are recognizable warning signs, which is why learning them matters. But a person's ability to appear okay does not necessarily tell us what is happening internally.

Where Does Hopelessness Come From?

Grief can fundamentally and entirely change the future someone thought they were going to have. Repeated disappointment can make it harder to believe that next time will be different. Loneliness can make someone wonder whether their presence matters to anyone else. A person can seek treatment and become discouraged when they don't feel better as quickly or completely as they hoped.

We must also recognize that, just as importantly, hopelessness doesn't develop separately from the world we live in.

Financial instability, discrimination, housing insecurity, violence, unsafe relationships, chronic illness, limited access to healthcare, and a lack of opportunity can create circumstances that aren't solved by simply changing someone's perspective. When there appears to be little mobility out of a painful situation or struggle, hope can become harder to access.

That distinction is important. Sometimes people need help challenging beliefs that tell them nothing can change. Other times, something actually needs to change.

Suicide prevention has to make room for both.

Hope Is Not the Same as Pretending Everything Is Fine

My personal favorite thing about hope is that it acknowledges the fact that someone's feelings are valid.

Hope doesn't ask you to look at the bright side. It can acknowledge that the bright side may not exist right now. Maybe things are terrible. Maybe someone has every reason to be angry, exhausted, scared, or hurt.

Hope is forward-thinking. It says that although these things may very well be true at a given moment in time, they don't always have to be.

That's different from promising someone that everything will work out. We don't know that. We can't always tell someone when their circumstances will change, what will make them change, or what their life will look like afterward.

Hope leaves space for what we don't know. When hopelessness tells us, "This is how my life will always be," sometimes the first bit of hope is simply being able to answer, “Maybe not.”

When Hope Comes From Someone Else

Hope also doesn't have to be something that someone creates alone. There are moments when another person can see possibilities that we can't. A therapist, friend, family member, partner, teacher, mentor, or even a community cannot promise to fix someone's life. However, they can make sure that person isn't carrying it all alone.

There is a difference between saying, "Everything is going to be okay," and saying, "I don't know exactly what happens next, but let's figure out what comes next together."

Connection doesn't erase pain. It can, however, create another possibility within it. This is one reason belonging matters in conversations about suicide prevention. Sometimes another person's belief that there is still a future can give us enough space to eventually begin imagining one ourselves. In this way, suicide prevention includes being a supportive friend or family member, showing up for others, checking on your loved ones, and treating others with kindness and respect. It can also include surrounding yourself with those who do this for you and nurturing those relationships as much as possible. We must acknowledge the fact that people need people.

What Makes Hope Believable?

We can always tell people to hold, teach warning signs, provide crisis lines, therapy, and safety planning. Don’t get me wrong, these things are absolutely necessary, but we should also be asking what makes people feel that there is something worth holding on for. Stable housing, financial security, access to healthcare, and physical safety matter. In the same way, community, meaningful relationships, and feeling valued and having opportunities to build a future matter.

If someone's hopelessness is connected to circumstances that are genuinely painful, then we have to see that  helping them cannot only be about changing the way they think about those circumstances. Individual mental healthcare and systemic change are not competing approaches to suicide prevention, and are not mutually exclusive. If we are looking at people through a holistic lens, we see how much their environment and circumstances matter in their day to day life. People need support during their hardest moments, as well as a world that gives them reasons to believe those moments can become something different.

You Don’t Have to Find Hope Alone

Hope doesn’t always mean believing that everything will be okay. Sometimes, hope starts with simply believing that things could be different, even if you have no idea what that looks like yet.

If you are struggling with suicidal thoughts, hopelessness, or overwhelming emotional pain, or if you are grieving someone you lost to suicide, support is available.

You do not have to know exactly what you need before reaching out.

If you live in Pennsylvania and aren't sure where to start, you are welcome to contact Living in Confidence Counseling Services for help identifying resources and support that may be available to you.

If you are experiencing suicidal thoughts or a mental health crisis, call or text 988 for immediate crisis support. If you are in immediate danger, call 911 or go to the nearest emergency department.